Quaran-Toddler: Surviving COVID Quarantine With A Toddler

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It’s day number (???) of COVID Quarantine. Nobody really knows whether it’s Sunday or Thursday, because every day is Monday, but every day is also Friday. Taking a trip to the grocery store feels almost as exhilarating as being invited to go backstage at a Backstreet Boys concert (but back when they were still cool). And for those of us with children or stepchildren, we’ve (sort of?) settled into our new normal.

From the looks of things (at least from the vantage point of peering at the world in yesterday’s pyjamas through the screen of my phone), us step/parents have settled into one of two quarantined camps…

Camp 1: Arts & Crafts & Baking & Math & Fun & Cooking & Schedules & Reading & Laundry-Basket-Roller-Coaster-Rides…

Camp 2: Yes, children. We are having cereal for supper again tonight.

Personally, I’ve settled a bit more in Camp-2. After all, I’m the type of person who would rather dive headfirst into an ice bath than play Duck-Duck Goose, and who’d rather eat a live Tarantula than twist a bunch of pipe cleaners together with googly-eyes and call it a spider. Thankfully there are companies like KiwiCo who can ship science & art projects to my door once a month so I don’t have to rely purely on pipe cleaners for inspiration.

And if you’re anything like me, and all of a sudden your life is bursting at the seams with children who the angels of the world (aka childcare providers and teachers) used to guide 40+ hours a week, and you’re trying to get ya damn head above water,

you’re not alone, sis.

COVID Quarantine – The Saga Continues

So what began as two weeks of social distancing has very quickly morphed into COVID quarantine for an undetermined amount of time.

If you’re a Camp 1 person, then you may be in your glory right now.

But if you’re anything like me, meaning Arts & Crafts isn’t your bag, here we are. Here we fucking are, Pinteresting and pipe-cleaner-ing, and twisting together googly-eyed spiders, and waiting for your KiwiCo Box to show up while you wear your nails down to the nub.

Here we are, scrolling through blog posts that are titled, EASY CRAFTS FOR TODDLERS, only to learn that sparkles are the Devil’s creation, and to have just discovered that if your dog eats one of those fuzzy little pompoms, he will most likely be fine.

(Hey, Pinterest people — where are your disclaimers? And why the fuck doesn’t glitter come with a warning?)

Sit me down with some Algebra, Betty-Ann McPinterest, ’cause your toddler crafts are most definitely not easy.

Or fun.

So what are we to do, my Camp-2 sisters?

WTF To Do In Quarantine?

WTF are we supposed to do in COVID quarantine, when the thought of sitting down and slogging through a craft with someone who can’t even wipe their own arse sounds less appealing than jumping on a trampoline made of cacti?

(I Googled it. Cactuses and Cacti are both correct.)

The truth is… I don’t have a bloody clue. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. The thought of being a 24-7 mom now that my son is out of daycare…

The thought of being a 50%, 24-7 stepmom with my preteen stepson out of school until (at least) September (which is 6 months away at the time I’m writing this)…

The thought of having these little people count on me more than they ever have, having my husband count on the kids who are counting on me, making sure the kids’ brains don’t rot on YouTube, building Googly-eyed spiders, running a business, showing up for my clients, showing up for my audience, keeping the Queen of your Castle podcast running, showing up on Instagram with hair that’s preferably been washed within the last week, keeping my house from blowing up, figuring out how to get all this fucking glitter out of the carpet…

Those are a lot of new thoughts. A lot to grapple with. A lot to adjust to. And if you’ve had similar thoughts running through your head, then… solidarity.

The truth is, I don’t think anyone has any idea wtf they’re doing right now.

So at the very least, I take comfort in that.

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WTF Not To Do In Quarantine

I’m not sure if you follow someone like this on Instagram. But she’s got like, 7 kids. Her hair is always washed, her makeup is always done. Her house is always perfectly tidy and everything is beige and white. There’s no clutter on her counters, only freshly baked cookies and freshly picked flowers. Her daughters always have bows in their hair and her sons are constantly photographed picking said fresh flowers to give to their mama.

They eat organic, gluten free, dairy free, free range, gourmet, every day.

Everyone’s always laughing and smiling. Their play room looks like something straight out of Better Homes & Gardens Magazine. Even the toys inside of that play room seem to be organized by colour, texture, shape, and size.

(Also, if this is you, call me — I need tips.)

But if this doesn’t come naturally to you, and your kids are lucky if the water for their Ichiban gets boiled in a kettle instead of heated in the microwave, then I’ve got news for you.

I can’t tell you *exactly* what to do in quarantine, ’cause I’m still figuring it out myself.

But I can tell you what not to do.

And this is it:

Don’t compare yourself to other people. For the love of cheese, don’t compare yourself to other people.

You don’t have to have this all figured out. And you most certainly don’t have to do it like anyone else is doing it.

You don’t have to make Pinterest crafts to be a good step/mom.

You don’t have to bake cookies & have an organized playroom to provide safety & security for your kids.

Hell, you don’t even have to be sure when you washed your hair last.

This is all new for most of us. For those of us who’ve settled in Camp 2, this is the equivalent of starting a new job that didn’t come with an orientation, and where your coworkers always want to watch you poop.

So cut yourself some slack, my friend.

You’ve made it this far.