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Brittany Lynch, RN, BScN, CSC Presents: Stepqueen by The Whole Stepfamily

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The Truth About Creating Lasting Change As A Stepmom

January 10, 2020

Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to create change in your life? Whether you’re a stepmom seeking change in the way your stepfamily runs, or a stepmom who’s struggled to adapt healthy habits, or a stepmompreneur who feels stuck in her business, one thing I know for sure is that every human on this planet is seeking some type of change in their lives.

And if you are the exception to this rule, and there is absolutely nothing in your life you want change or improve upon, and no higher level that you strive to take your life, then call me. For real.

Even Warren Buffet is trying to make more money.

But for the rest of us, and me included here, as humans, we were designed to seek out a beautiful journey of evolving ourselves to get to this next-best-place. And I believe you can absolutely be happy with where you are, but still strive to hit a higher level. Otherwise, what’s the point of being given this blessing of a life unless you want to make the most of it?

So, here’s the reason that even though most people want to change something in their lives, they can’t seem to do so…

Most stepmoms say something like, “If I had more of X, then I could do a little more of Y, and life would be a little bit better.”

For example, one I hear often, “If I had a little more time or money or energy, THEN I could focus my attention on this thing that I want, and THEN life would be a little bit better.”

But as you’ll start to realize very quickly, this is a broken model. And quite frankly, most stepmoms struggle to change because most stepmoms are focused on fixing everything outside of them. Most stepmoms are focused on fixing the behaviour of their stepchildren, or fixing the behaviour of their partner’s ex, or fixing the behaviour of their partner.

This is why most stepmoms never get to the root of the actual problem. And when you don’t get to the root of the problem, then you can’t change anything. You can’t fix anything if you don’t know what you’re actually fixing…

What I’ve noticed is that, the problem with probably 99% of the information that’s out there right now by various internet personalities is this: There’s all this information out there on how to be a happier stepmom. How to grow and scale your business if you’re a stepmompreneur. If you want to lose weight and keep it off? Here are 10 steps. What about how to get along with ex-wives? Here, do this.

I used to fall into this trap, too, when I first started creating content. I said, here, DO these things, and surely you’ll get what you’re looking for. But the old me, as well as 99% of the self-help gurus out there… their message is:

“Go out and DO! Do more! Do this! Set goals and smash them! Do! Do! Do!”

But the problem that I’ve figured out that nobody is talking about is this:

You do not need to DO anything in order to get more or uplevel your life.

So what do I mean?

Well, for example, you may have heard an internet guru say something like, “Here, DO these things and change your mindset!”

There’s one really influential speaker out there right now (no shade, no tea), and she’s like “Here, go out and DO all of these things. Drink all this water. DO your exercises. Just DO it. Set your goals and smash them. Just DO it.”

But I’m a member of her very large facebook group that is up in the hundreds-of-thousands of members. And every single day, there are dozens of women in there posting in desperation saying,

“I set my goals like you said to DO, and I’m drinking this water like you said to DO, and here I am… I can’t DO this. I can’t DO my goals. Here I am failing at them and I’m following your lead. But I can’t DO this.”

“I’m drinking all this water and getting up at 4:30 but I’m stuck and I’m miserable and how much more fucking kale do I have to eat? Am I short on coconut oil? How much more coconut oil do I need to DO this?”

Now I want you to sit back and take a look at your life. How many times have you tried to DO something, and you didn’t get the outcome that you were looking for? Maybe you had a little bit of change, but for the most part, most people end up right where they started.

For me, I used to be a perpetual dieter. I was always on a diet, and I would try to DO different diets. And then I’d find myself at 2 am with a spoon and a jar of peanut butter, crying at myself, hating myself, wondering why I couldn’t DO this diet. I couldn’t DO anything to make myself love my body.

And the reason is this. The reason that, if you’re like most people, that you haven’t been able to DO more things and get the outcome you want, is because change – real, lasting, sustainable change – does not come from DOing.

In fact, change comes from a much different place. Change comes from identifying the ROOT causes of what is keeping you from achieving that thing you say you want.

If you’re like most stepmoms, then you probably want change in areas like, earning more money, or changing the type of relationship you have with your stepchildren, maybe changing how your heart starts pounding in your chest when you hear the ex-wife’s name… Maybe you want change in the relationship you have with food, or the way you see your body.

Change is not about “change your mindset, change your life.” Change is about UNlearning who society has told you that you’re supposed to be, and how you’re supposed to show up, and how much money you’re allowed to make. It’s about UNlearning how much weight you give to other people’s judgments and negativity. It’s about UNlearning all those things, and then pulling up the roots that have been planted by those things. Because it is not the DOing that is keeping you where you are. It is, in fact, your roots that keep you planted there.

So, as an example — the very first fan I had on the Stepqueen blog when I started it a couple years ago…. To protect her anonymity I’ll call her Stacy. So, Stacy was my first Stepqueen fan. She’s obviously a stepmom. She’s an entrepreneur. She’s beautiful and I love her so much. So, Stacy, after following along with Stepqueen for a little while, decides to do some business coaching with me.

And I’m sitting with her and chatting with her about this amazing business that she’s built… but when it comes to how much money she’s paying herself… it does NOT make any sense.

She’s completely undervaluing herself. She should be paying herself at least low 6 figures based on her revenue. But here she is, DOing all of the things in her business. Answering the emails, building the relationships, being a fearless leader. She’s amazing. But she’s frustrated and embarrassed that she pays herself such a low salary.

What it boils down to is that she was holding onto some mental blocks about money. And those mental blocks about money come from a root of not believing she’s worthy of paying herself 6 figures. Of not believing she’s good enough to raise her prices. Of not believing there can be any other way than the way that there is, because the way that there is, is all she knows.

And if she would just keep DOing the things she was DOing, then she would keep getting the results she was getting. Do you see?

So, sure, you can put in longer hours. And sure you can get up an hour earlier. And sure you can eat kale sautéed in fucking coconut oil. But you cannot outDO who you believe that you are and what you believe that you are worthy of.

In the stepfamily world specifically. You can DO all these nice things for your stepkids in an effort to win them over and prove to your partner that you do, in fact, belong there… but if, at the root of who you are, you are hung up on feeling out of place or unappreciated – you can’t DO your way out of that. You have to pull the root.

If you are hung up on how your partner’s ex chooses to live her life… (And I’m not saying that people don’t make shitty choices that are hurtful, because I know that some people make shitty choices that are hurtful)… you are the gatekeeper of how much you allow her to hurt you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said — no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

And I fucking love Eleanor Roosevelt. Did you know she was the FIRST First Lady to say, I’m not about to spend my time as a First Lady throwing fuckin’ tea parties and decorating and being known as someone’s wife? She spent her life advocating for equality of women and fighting for racial justice. She said, I cannot DO tea parties because at the root of who I am, I am someone who gives a shit about something bigger than the china I serve my guests on and what other people will think of me if I make waves. And she changed the world as we know it today. Mad respect, Eleanor.

But I digress.

Let’s circle back here.

When someone says to me, “If I just had a little more TIME, then I could do things for myself, and then I’d be happier.” Or, “If I just had a little more MONEY, then I could DO this thing in my business that would make it explode, and THEN I would feel like I was doing something important.”

But you do not need more time or money or energy in order to create more time or money or energy… See how backwards that is?!

In fact, what most people spend their entire lives trying to figure out is that you cannot DO more if you are unwilling to look at the reasons you are where you are in the first place.

You may be wondering, “What is the solution?”

Something I’ve noticed that every happy stepmom has in common is this. The happy, thriving stepmom, who has more money than she knows what to do with, who is completely secure in her relationship, who doesn’t feel jealous or resentful, and who happily ticks off the boxes on her bucket-list without guilty and shame — what this thriving stepmom knows that most other stepmoms, and maybe even you, have forgotten…

The thriving, joyful, happy, abundant stepmom knows that the only way to have an even better life is to become even better on the inside first.

The thriving stepmom knows that, in order to pay herself a high-6 figure salary, first she has to pull out whatever root is saying to her, “you’ll never be able to make that kind of money,” or the root that says, “you’re not talented enough for that.”

The thriving stepmom knows that, in order to get free from giving one tiny shit about what other people say about her, she has to pull the root of why she’s even giving someone else’s opinions a second thought. And, just like Eleanor Roosevelt proved to us, there’s a hell of a lot more to life than what society has told us we’re supposed to accept.

You cannot, and will not, have something in your life if you first don’t remove what has gotten you there in the first place.

It is time to pull up those rotten old roots and plant something beautiful in their place.

And so, whatever it is that you’re seeking, Stepmom, just know that the solution is within you.

You will not find the solution in a Facebook group. It’s not in another blog post or another podcast. You won’t find it in a winning lottery ticket. It’s not held in your partner’s ex-wife’s hands. And it sure as fuck isn’t found in kale or coconut oil.

It’s in you.

And whether you believe it or not right now, you do deserve a life of health, wealth, and abundance. You do deserve a life of loving yourself fully and wholly and completely. You do deserve a life of freedom from other people’s negativity.

You deserve it. And you can have it.

So stop DOing. Start pulling.

Make sure to check back here often, because we’re about to do a whole lotta root pulling.

Because you deserve an even better life.

Do you need a hand pulling your roots? Click here to find out how we can help

One Response

  1. I’ve just found your blog and wish it had been here back when my step kids were children. Your tips and shares are awesome. My step kids are adults now and we don’t have a relationship with them at all because of epic interference and brainwashing on the part of their BM. They live thousands of miles away from us and although I would like my husband to re-bond with them (he was a very loving doting father before and after the divorce), I’m grateful that they are not in our lives on a daily basis. What we endured as time went on felt like an abusive relationship filled with unnecessary drama and harassment. BM was mentally ill but personality issues contributed to the chaos she created around her. It became a threat to my own mental well-being.
    I’m a mom who has raised two fully functioning, responsible adult children as a single parent. I loved my step kids and tried to be a good role model for them, They blossomed when they were with us and wilted when they returned to their BM. I would love to hear your strategies on dealing with rude, disrespectful brain-washed and and mentally ill adult step children.

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