(And how not Adapting this Mindset Shift Could Cost you the Best Years of your Life)
If you’ve been a Stepmom for at least six months, then chances are pretty good that you’ve figured out that there are issues you’re having that you never thought you’d have. Today, I want to talk about why so many stepmoms feel undervalued, overwhelmed, and frankly – underpaid. If that’s how you feel, then I have good news… fixing this is a piece of cake with just one small but mighty mindset shift that I’ll be covering throughout this article.
I’ve been called the “Stepmom Coach for Stepmoms who think they don’t need a coach.” And whether I’m providing advice for stepmothers who are just starting out and who can’t tolerate their stepchildren or their partner’s ex-wife, OR, whether I’m providing coaching for stepmompreneurs around branding and marketing strategy, or how to respectfully blog about being a stepmom, or how to use the struggles of your stepfamily as strengths in your business — I have noticed one common theme between almost every stepmom I come in contact with.
99% of stepmoms haven’t made this one mindset shift that I cover in this article… The result? They stay stuck in a place of feeling trapped, unworthy, or unfulfilled. They spend all their time “Giving A Fuck” to the WRONG fucks.
This post is ALL about the ONE mindset shift that ANY and every stepmom should consider making this year...
Check Your Identity
As a woman, you’ve probably heard people around you say, “what a shame, So-And-So isn’t living up to her potential.” I mean, I agree and disagree with this statement for a few reasons. And I’ll tell you what this has to do with the mindset shift of a stepmom at the end of this article… At the end of the article, I’ll also give you a quick 3-step framework to make this simple mindset shift, so you can become the woman who has it all — and not just on the outside.
As a stepmom, you might think your “potential” is based on the viewpoint of how other people THINK you should be living your life.
When it comes to the ex – should you, or shouldn’t you, be involved in your stepkids’ day-to-day activities based on her opinion?
When it comes to your partner – should you, or shouldn’t you, have a say in things like: whether or not you’re allowed to set rules in your house, whether or not you’re allowed to give a shit about bedtimes, whether or not you’re allowed to say when you’re feeling left out. Should you, or shouldn’t you, based on your partner’s opinion?
When it comes to your stepkids – should you or shouldn’t you try to be their friend? A parental figure? A role model? Where the hell is your place based on their opinion?
Where Are You Giving Your F’s?
When it comes to other places in your life – should you, or shouldn’t you: wear that dress, say the word fuck, eat that cookie, charge more money so you can pay yourself what you deserve? Where the hell is your place based on everyone else’s opinion?
Giving a fuck about other people’s opinions is an example of a “wrong fuck to give.” Giving a fuck about your own self, and what makes you feel good, and what makes you feel like your voice matters – that’s an example of a “right fuck to give.”
If this resonates with you, then I want to ask you something – Imagine how much freedom you’d feel if you stopped giving a fuck about what other people thought about you, and instead, lived your life the way that felt the best to YOU!
The Stepmom Landmine
If you’re like most stepmoms, then at some point, you’ve probably felt that in your home life, you don’t have much of a say about certain things. And even if you try to have a say, you’ll just piss a bunch of people off, so it’s better not to have a say and pretend everything is okay.
So, if you’re like most stepmoms, then you take that feeling, and you believe that in the rest of the world, it’s easier to keep the peace than it is to risk feeling like your voice doesn’t matter.
I’ll tell you right now that, at some point, most women on this planet have felt like their voices aren’t worth being heard. So they stay small and quiet because they’re afraid that people won’t want to listen to them, or because they’ve been taught that having a voice is something to be afraid of.
You slowly build resentment toward your stepfamily situation. The more you keep quiet about things that bother you, the more it reinforces that what you have to say doesn’t matter. It’s like how if you start eating at a drive-through once a week, even though you know it’s terrible for you, it just becomes easier. So you keep doing the thing that’s bad for you because it’s easier than doing the thing that’s good for you.
But what other areas can this trickle into if left unchecked?
The Double Whammy
Well, if you’re a stepmompreneur who has been taught that your stepkids don’t value you or respect you as their stepmom, then this could look like the fact that you don’t increase the prices you charge in your business because you think that OTHER people don’t see your value.
And when you don’t charge what you’re worth, you don’t earn the money you deserve. And when you don’t earn the money you deserve, you think that YOU are the problem. That YOU aren’t good enough. That YOU aren’t talented enough to earn high-6 or 7-figure profits.
If you’re like most women, then you’ve been taught since a very young age that the way to be accepted in this world is by being a very specific type of woman.
So, as a woman, you’ve likely been taught that you have to be this certain specific type of way to be valuable or worthy or accepted or liked…
And then it gets compounded as a stepmom, because more often than not, a stepmom doesn’t have the full power of her voice in her household…
Then, the end result is that most stepmoms will internalize this and make it mean that you aren’t worthy, or valuable, or accepted, or liked.
This is a double whammy for the way you show up in life. Quiet voice in your stepfamily, quiet voice or self-doubt outside of your stepfamily. And whether you learn this now or in 20 years after the best years of your life have gone by, you’re eventually going to learn that you HAVE to take your power back.
But have no fear, I promised you a 3-step framework to shift this, and you best believe I’m about to deliver.
So grab a pen and paper and take some notes and get digging because you’re about to pull up a root.
Ask yourself, “What are the areas I feel powerless in?”
Is it stepfamily life? Is it in growing and scaling your biz (or even getting it off the ground in the first place)? Is it in how much money you’re able to attract? Is it in your relationship with food — do you find yourself bingeing and restricting, or punishing yourself with guilt, shame, or excessive exercise after you eat something “bad?” Do you feel powerless in your relationship with alcohol? You say 1 drink, and it turns into 1 bottle? Don’t judge yourself here, just take a look because you’re about to pull this root up.
Now, ask yourself, “WHAT HAVE I BEEN TOLD as a woman or as a stepmom that I am SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE about how much power I have over this thing?”
So for example, “As a stepmom, I’ve been told that what I have to say about my stepchild’s discipline is irrelevant.” Or maybe, “I have been told by society that, as a woman, I will make less money than a man.” Again, don’t judge this, just observe it.
This is an important step, because this is a BELIEF. And all those gurus out there who are saying, change your mindset change your life, are missing a huge piece of the puzzle. You don’t want to change your mindset, you want to change your damn beliefs. Because your beliefs are what create your mindset!
Most stepmoms don’t have a mindset problem, they have a belief problem that shapes their mindset.
And now are you ready for my favourite step in this framework? What to know how to shift your beliefs? Here it is…
Step 3: CHOOSE not to give a fuck.
That is literally all you have to do. Make the choice to stop giving a fuck about how someone else has decided you’re allowed to show up in the world. And start showing up as yourself. Your damn amazing beautiful queen self.
Here’s a full example:
- I feel powerless in my role as a stepmom.
- I have been told by society that, as a stepmom, my voice doesn’t matter in my own house.
- I choose not to give a fuck about what society says. I’m about to create my own place on my own throne because I’m damn worth it. I am going to make a choice to give a fuck about creating my place in this stepfamily, instead of giving a fuck about where society says I can’t go.
See how easy that is?
Take back that dang power.
Give a fuck in the right places. The places that light your fire and make you feel like the QUEEN you are.
You are a QUEEN.
You are the QUEEN OF YOUR CASTLE.
Cheers to that.
Now get out there and #MakeItReign