I’m in a season of life right now that, don’t get me wrong I’m super grateful for, and that also demands a lot of my time and attention and emotional and physical and psychological resources. and while the responsibility can certainly feel overwhelming at times when I choose to get into overwhelm, I’m also in a season of life that I most definitely wouldn’t have been able to navigate even a couple of years ago.
This is an important theme for this episode: the theme of becoming an energetic match to the life you want.
Because, this life I have now, with the successful business that has reached tens of thousands of stepmoms, and rippled to tens of thousands of spouses and step kids, this literal dream business that I’ve manifested that I pour my heart and soul into and that I love so much, plus the dream husband who is the absolute most amazing partner, and our dream home that’s being built and the literal 2.2 kids, I’m not saying “oh look how perfect my life is,” to be braggadocios.
I’m simply illustrating the contrast between now and only a handful of years ago when absolutely none of this existed and my relationship was hanging on by a thread and I felt personally victimized by a 7 year old and his mother… my dream life didn’t exist back then because I was no way shape or form an energetic match to the life I live today.
My dream life didn’t exist back then because in no way shape or form had I created the intentions for it.
And maybe you have even been there at some point along your own journey, where the concept of your dream life seems so unattainable and unreachable and impossible that it’s hard to even allow yourself to dream into your intentions let alone set the wheels in motion.
And I so get it, because back then, I didn’t have access to the resilience or the boundary skills or the personal relationship with my higher self that I very gratefully have access to now.
I’ve been given everything in life that I have a) intended, and, b) that I am an energetic match to at this stage in the game. And a massive, massive, massive part of that evolution, has required me to become a completely different version of myself than the version of me when I first became a stepmom, working at a job I despised, where I felt trapped and stuck and unfulfilled but stayed because of the perceived safety of a pay check and pension and benefits, while I was drinking my body weight in alcohol every month to escape how I felt about my stepfamily. At that time in my life, that is exactly what I was an energetic match to.
I want to make it explicitly clear that there was nothing wrong with that version of me, AND, I certainly didn’t have the capacity to extend an energetic commitment to a hundred people at a time, like I have in my present reality. at that previous stage in the game, I was still showing up for myself in the best way that I could, and I love that version of myself so deeply and have so much compassion for her. But if I had the capacity or capabilities to be or do or have anything in my life other than sadness and hopelessness and just getting by and wishing my days away, then I would have.
When stepmoms show up on my virtual doorstep, and they feel like that past version of me, like that broken and burnt out and hopeless-feeling version, there is one very specific reason that their dream lives haven’t manifested for them yet: because they have not yet done the work required to be an energetic match to the life they dream of. Full stop.
Most burnt out, resentful, disconnected stepmoms make this really depressing mistake of focusing on everything that’s wrong with their stepfamilies, resulting in those stepmoms becoming an energetic match to everything that’s wrong aka their worst-case scenario, while the few fulfilled and connected and happy stepmoms all get clear on their intentions, what they intend for their lives to look like, resulting in their becoming an energetic match to the best-case scenario and inevitably having the best-case manifest in their physical reality.
If you’re focusing on how rude the kids are, how big of a biznatch the ex is, how irresponsible your spouse is, how overbearing your in-laws are, feel the weight of that in your body, yea?
If you say to yourself, the kids are awful, their other parent is a terrible parent who never does anything right, my spouse is incompetent when it comes to parenting so I need to step in and rescue all the time otherwise nothing will get done, my life sucks and I’m trapped here and I’m never going to get to do anything for myself. How does that feel in your body? Regardless of how many of those examples are true for you, how does that feel in your body? Heavy? Depressing? Overwhelming? Sad?
Now on the other hand, if you, with the exact same set of circumstances, the exact same set of problems, choose to instead say to yourself things like, relationships change every day and I trust in the potential of creating connection, intimacy, and safety in all of my stepfamily relationships. I deserve everything that is pure and good in this world, and wish all that is pure and good to all living beings. I’m compassionate to the imperfect nature of humanness, and choose empathy over judgment. How does that feel in contrast? If you suspend your disbelief for a moment, suspend your “yeah right” voice for a moment, tell it to shush, and examine how that feels in your body, what do you notice? I notice lightness, hope, happiness, peace.
If none of these light, hopeful, happy or peaceful intentions have manifested in your life yet, but that’s where you choose to direct your attention, towards the intention of their creation, then you have become an energetic match to those intentions and the universe must deliver a physical reality that matches your energy.
In other words, you can dream about having connected and intimate stepfamily relationships, you can dream about taking your life back and creating a reality where you feel fulfilled and confident, you can long for and ache for and beg for a house that feels safe and welcoming and respectful and peaceful, but until you have 1. Clearly discerned your intentions, and 2. become an energetic match to those intentions, I’m sorry to say it but your dreams will never manifest for you into your physical reality.
A couple of weeks ago inside the stepmom story,
Your Stepmom Story is an online support community for stepmoms who more intimate, more connected, and less stressful stepfamily relationships so that they can enjoy more fulfillment in their personal lives. We teach you how to navigate some of the most complex stepfamily dynamics by helping you cultivate a deeper level of self awareness, and combining that self-awareness with evidence-based research on happily blended families.
I led a really beautiful workshop for our members where they came out the other side with their clear intentions for the year ahead. Notice here I said intentions, rather than goals. But what’s the difference, you might be wondering? Great question!
The biggest difference between intention and goal setting, at least in my mind in my interpretation, is that goal setting is a really left-brained, thought-based, effort-driven action, while intention setting is more guided by intuition and consciousness and the higher-self version of you. That in itself can make an authentic intention a bit harder to access because in order to get to it, you have to turn off your thinking mind, and enter into feeling. And so many people spend 99, 100% of their time held hostage by the tyranny of the thinking mind, that they don’t even realize there’s a whole different experience outside of thought.
So many people spend 99, 100% of their time completely disconnected from their bodies, because we have as a society become so detached from the way that we feel, and to be invited to return to that body to hear what it’s saying to you can, for some, feel very foreign, or uncomfortable, or weird, or inaccessible. our bodies contain so much wisdom, they’re the conduit in which higher consciousness speak to us, the proverbial antenna to the universe’s radio waves if you will.
So your intentions are the feelings that drive your goals. Why do you want to get married? Why do you want to have the baby? Why do you want to have that specific job? Why do you want to have X numbers of dollars in the bank? Why do you want to travel? Why do you want more quality time with your spouse? All those goals are fine and fantastic, I want all of those things for you too… but, have you ever considered, why do you want them?
Underneath the goals, underneath the wanting, is an intention. And for almost every person on this planet, the intention is to feel good. you want more quality time with your spouse because that creates connection and intimacy and that feels good. You want the kids to have structure and responsibilities and bedtimes because that creates more space around you and space feels good. You want the ex to be a better parent because then the kids will be happier when they come to your house which means less of your time will be spent helping them regulate their feelings which is a big energetic responsibility, and saving more of your energy for yourself means you can invest that energy into hobbies or learning something new or career advancement, which yes, feels good.
You see? Underneath the intention is always the motive to feel good. To feel better. And you can never feel better by looking at what is bad, or unhelpful, or unhappy.
Abraham Hicks says, you can never get sick enough to help the sick become well, and you can never get poor enough to help the poor become rich. The answer to whatever problem you’re seeking to solve right now can never be solved by getting deeper into the problem.
You can never hate your way to happiness. You can never resent your way to connection. You can never begrudge your way to forgiveness.
Get out of your head, stop thinking, get into your intentions, and then allow yourself to feel as good as you will feel when those intentions manifest into your physical reality. If you are waiting for your happily ever after to present itself to you before you allow yourself to feel good, then you will be feeling very badly for a very long time. That’s like saying, I’ll start running after I win a marathon.
I could not have personally climbed to where I am today without the really incredible guidance of some really amazing mentors and spiritual teachers. One of my biggest problems when I was still stuck in my old stinkin’ thinkin’ was that, I didn’t have the personal awareness to see where I needed help. How was I supposed to get somewhere I’d never been before? The only place I knew how to get myself was the mess I had gotten myself into in the first place. So, I really humbly am so grateful to my own mentors along the way who have shown me how to look into the deep dark corners of my mind that I wouldn’t have let myself go into without their guidance.
And one of my most favourite mentors always says: different level, different devil.
Like I was saying at the beginning of this episode, I’m in a super intense season of life right now. i have a brand new baby on the way, a super demanding role as Rory’s mom which requires a whole lot of resources, a lot of time that’s been dedicated to my marriage, all while juggling close to 60 clients, training new Stepqueen coaches, running a business, paying my taxes, paying my employees, all while building a house and making tons of decisions around that… it’s a lot.
I make a lot of decisions and feel responsible for a lot of people.
This new level that I’m at would have crippled me before.
I may have wanted all of these things, I may have told the universe I was ready for a 6-figure business and that I was ready to build my dream home and that I was ready to be a parent, but in retrospect, I only wanted those things because I thought they would bring me peace and happiness. The irony is that, once I found peace and happiness where I was at, my life expanded into bringing all these other demanding, yet amazing blessings into my physical world.