Hey girl, hey!
As a Stepfamily Counselor and a Stepmom myself, I see the same kinds of struggles come up time and time again within Stepfamilies. Heck, I’ve been through most of them myself (and lived to tell the tale muahaha).
Stepmoms will come to me, completely deflated, wanting to know why it’s so stinkin’ hard to love someone else’s babies. Or why they feel like an outsider when their partner’s kids come for the weekend. Or why their husband (and Stepkids) won’t take their suggestions for discipline seriously… (If you’re having trouble with Discipline, click here for a Free Checklist of Everything You Need To Do Before You Discipline Your Stepchildren.)
I want to let you know something. There’s nothing wrong with you if this is how you feel. You’re pretty normal in the Stepmom world. Welcome!
To make a long answer short, I’ll say this: These challenges come up because of a very important (but often overlooked) detail: Stepfamilies play by a totally different set of rules than “traditional” families do. (And by traditional, I mean families where both bio-parents are together.)
Oftentimes, a Stepfamily will run into a smidge of trouble when it tries to function the same as its bio-family counterpart.
I hear it all the time — Stepmoms saying things like “Oh, we aren’t a Stepfamily, we’re just a family!”
Hmmm… But we’re not. (Click here to read my article Dear Stepmom: “Step” Is Not A Dirty Word)
We’re different. Stepfamilies are very different. It doesn’t mean we’re bad, or weird, or should be embarrassed about being different. Different is cool. So we shouldn’t try to pretend we’re something we’re not. And we’re not a traditional family.
Sure, the number of Stepfamilies is growing like my waistline over Christmas holidays (lol jk). Stepfamilies are quickly becoming the norm in our society. Which is cool. But the odds are stacked against us unless we learn what makes us different. When we know that, then we can take those differences into consideration and learn how to thrive.
The secret to happy Stepfamilies is that they’ve embraced what makes them different. And one of the most important differences is Blood.
Yikes, such an aggressive word… But let me explain.
Blood ties simply aren’t present in a Step-Relationship.
In Bio-Families, the kids are related to both parents by blood. By genetics. By DNA. But as Stepparents, we don’t have that same blood-tie.
What does that mean for us? Well, a few things. First of all, it means that if you don’t love your Stepchildren like your own, there’s 100% nothing wrong with you. They’re not your own. It doesn’t mean you can’t be a respectful and amazing Stepparent, but cut yourself some slack. There’s no sense trying to force that expectation on yourself to love them the same way as their bio-parents do.
If you do love them as your own, that’s totally cool too! But more often than not, a Stepmom who has that deep, unwavering, primal level of love for her Stepchildren is the exception to the rule.
Also, if you’re a Stepmom who has her own children from a previous relationship, it’s very likely that your new partner (your children’s Stepdad) also struggles with a similar set of feelings. He probably wants to love your children like his own (as much as you want to love his children like your own), but if that Blood-Tie is missing, it becomes a lot harder to form that bond.
Not saying it can’t be done. It just takes a lot more work.
Something else to keep in mind is that your Stepkids likely hold a very special place in their hearts for their biological parents.
On quite a few occasions, I’ve had Stepmoms come to me feeling extra sad because no matter how much she’s done for her Stepchildren, they always seem to love their mom more. Even if their Mom hasn’t seen them in months, or sometimes years. Even if their Mom has made some questionable decisions. Even if their Mom hasn’t been the one driving them to soccer, or running them to the orthodontist, or missing work to serve up chicken-noodle soup and snuggles for sicknesses.