I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve always had a significant level of expectation I was set to meet. My three younger sisters and I were raised by a single mother — and I mean a single mother who never saw one red cent of child support (or alimony) from, or had one millisecond of shared custody with, our biological father. My mother worked 100+ hour workweeks at a barely-over-minimum-wage-paying-job to keep us housed and fed. As the eldest of their four daughters, a lot of the child-rearing and domestic household responsibilities ultimately ended up falling on my shoulders at the tender age of 10. I cooked, cleaned, packed lunches, got my younger sisters off to school and dayhome, and did so without once complaining, knowing how sincerely my mom needed me to step up. Some would lament (and have certainly expressed their disapproval) at the injustice for a young child to have so much responsibility. I would reply (and certainly have continued to reply very emphatically) with a belief I maintain to this day: kids are a lot more capable of a lot more things than their parents commonly give them credit for.
I have a memory of being in grade 5 — I think I was 10 or 11 years old –and going for a visit to a friend’s house after school. Her family was (looking back as an adult, I can confirm) very wealthy. The first time I stepped foot in her home, I’m sure my eyeballs basically fell out of my head and rolled across her marble floors. The bottom-floor apartment I shared with my family was, in its entirety, smaller than just one of her living rooms. Fine art and sculptures were tastefully placed among her exquisite furniture. Her dishes all matched – and they were really pretty. She and each of her siblings had ther own bedroom — and bathroom. I was positive her parents must’ve been movie stars. We spent the evening playing outside in her back yard. It was a muddy spring day, so we ended up with muddy clothing and needed to change (you don’t track mud into a house like that!) Dutifully, I collected our soiled outfits after we dressed in clean clothes, and I asked her to direct me to the washing machine so I could do a load of laundry.
She answered, “Oh? Uhh… I can show you to the laundry room I guess. But my mom isn’t home to turn it on.”
…
“You mean, you don’t know how to wash your own clothes?!” I gasped. I couldn’t believe my ears.
In an effort to save money on the coin-operated shared laundry in our apartment building, my mother used to rock an old top-loading washing machine back and forth from its storage spot in our dining room, into our “laundry room,” aka our very small galley kitchen. The water supply would be connected to the faucet and the basin would drain into the same sink we’d wash our dishes in. For many years of my childhood, my humble hand-me-down wardrobe was regularly washed in the same place that I learned to prepare inexpensive meals for my family. (Truthfully, I liked laundry day. It was a legitimate excuse to be able to leave the dishes on the counter since the sink was in use!) Surely this girl who lived in luxury, who had a designated room just for doing laundry, who had appliances that looked like spaceships, couldn’t be serious about not having the know-how to perform such a routine duty?! But she truly had no idea. (I taught her, if you’re wondering).
Why the history lesson, you ask? Simply because knowing where I come from completely shapes my views on entitlement issues in our upcoming generation.
Someone once told me about a time their 7-year old Stepchild threw an epic fit was at the movie theater. Following the movie, he demanded $20 to play in the arcade (as this was apparently his right in life), to which he was told, “not today buddy.” Being told No evoked a meltdown of epic proportions. He began screaming bloody murder, swinging/kicking/thrashing wildly at his dad, (who between movie tickets and snacks had probably spent close to $100), and weeping inconsolably. When they drove home following this outburst, the boy was wailing the entire 25 minute drive home about how unfortunate he was, moaning at how much he hated his life and everyone in it, and pitying himself to the fact he was never was given anything.
Now, upon hearing this story, I expected there to be some kind of repercussions for this behaviour; perhaps no more privileges like movies for a while, or no more arcade until his sense of gratitude was restored, or no video games for a couple of weeks, or that he had to donate his favourite toy to the Salvation Army — something that would teach this boy his behaviour was completely inappropriate and that he is more fortunate than so, so, so, so many other people in this world, so he should try to be a little more appreciative. Boy, was I wrong. The cherry on top of this meltdown was that later that evening, the father decided it an appropriate time to gift his son with an expensive video game console he’d been asking about getting.
You can’t make this stuff up.
From the outside looking in, hearing about an upper-middle-class boy, who was given absolutely everything he’d ever wanted (and much, much more), be rewarded for that kind of completely unacceptable behaviour — well — I didn’t like it. I took it to heart that while so many children dream of being as fortunate as this boy is, so many mothers are breaking their backs just to provide a roof over their children’s heads, so many people around the world are actually starving — that the only solution this Father could think of was to reward spoiled with more spoiling.
That said, I have read endless articles and on the psychology of The Disneyland Dad. I can understand on a human level why this little boy’s Dad would feel guilt that he and the boy’s mother were no longer a couple – but let’s be honest. This behaviour was nothing new, this entitlement had not begun post divorce.
But the most important thing that I’ve realized has been this: just because I grew up below the poverty line doesn’t mean that kids who are given things are bad.
I want to repeat that. Kids who are given things are not bad. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Speaking from experience, I believe our anger is misdirected towards our Stepchildren. Sure, some of them may be spoiled — but are they really to blame for being ungrateful? When the only life you know is the one which you are provided, then who is culpable for your provision? And is it really so bad that our Stepchildren are granted opportunities, childhood joys, and affection from parents who love them deeply?
As an adult, I strive to be successful and financially secure. As a parent, now, I hope to offer my son a chance at prosperous life without him having to claw his way there. Why did I, then, condemn this specific child for having a successful and wealthy parentage? Why was I being so hypocritical?
Why do Stepmothers feel their blood boil when their Stepchildren complain about how disgusting their healthy, home-cooked meals taste? Why do we feel ourselves fill with anger when they can’t be bothered to clear their plates or load them in the dishwasher? Why do we resent our Stepchildren’s bountiful Christmas mornings, looking upon them with disdain as they open present after present after present, casting them each aside in anticipation of what the next ripped-open wrapping paper would reveal (instead of being truly grateful for what was in front of them)? Why do we roll our eyes when they request having the crusts cut off their sandwich bread? Why do these young beings and their sense of entitlement rip us apart from the inside out?
Are we akin to the wolves — fierce predators who pick off the weakest prey? Certainly it’s easier to dislike our stepchildren than it is to confront our husbands about the entitlement issues they are breeding.
I can’t say I don’t understand. My own Stepson and I come from completely opposite sides of the tracks.
But what are the solutions? And how do we deal with entitlement issues in our up-and-coming generation?
Click here to read the strategies we use in our own home to combat the Gimme-Gimme’s.
Have you ever struggled with feelings such as these with your stepchildren? What are your experiences with kids who have a sense of entitlement? How does this compare to your childhood? What morals and values are important to you as a stepmother? As a wife? As a person? As Stepqueens, we are committed to ending negative Stepmother associations. How have you recently risen above the Stepmonster label? Comment below with your thoughts, or feel free to drop me a line!
I am recently married and my husband’s late teenage daughter lives at home. I can see of his 3, she has been the most indulged. I quickly began to feel like the maid. Yes, I like a tidy home and the kitchen cleared up quickly but noticed his daughter did the least possible to help and seemed oblivious to obvious ways to work in a family team. Plus, she retains all her wages for her own use. However, as soon as I tried to approach these issues, my husband would hit the roof. Of course it is easier to direct resentment at her than run into an explosion but, clearly the problem arises because of my husband “training” her to be entitled. I would love to be able to handle this better and successfully.
The struggle is real! Newly married with 2 teenage stepdaughters. Their parents divorced because of fighting about money. Their mom lives with an older, very wealthy man and his 2 college aged daughters. The girls get everything from their mom- nonstop shopping, fancy hairdos, nails, the works. She badmouths their father to them and when they’re with us, they think we’re cheap because life isn’t a constant vacation. It’s a continuous competition/comparison that we refuse to engage in.
The hardest part for me is my family truly wants to embrace these girls- always trying to engage them in conversations, buying them bday and Xmas gifts, but they couldn’t be bothered to put out any effort. Cell phones are always out at family dinners/functions, and it makes me LIVID. I nudge my husband and he asks them to put them away but it lasts seconds. It’s so rude. My husband needs to follow through more, but he doesn’t want them to hate him either!
They both openly say they can’t wait to marry rich. Wooosahhhh
My 22 yr-old, college senior, entering Pharmacy school, step daughter is, at heart, I believe, a good person. But, I also believe that she is not oblivious, she’s immature. We do so much for her– bought her car, provide medical and dental care, take her on nice vacations and special events, pay for and/or prepare all meals when she visits (multiple times per month), buy her clothes, etc. She NEVER offers to help prepare a meal or help clean up after meals. Even my 10 yr-old son does the dishes, folds laundry and picks up after himself. I was raised to show appreciation for the aforementioned by offering to help. My husband doesn’t feel she should be asked to wash a dish, because “she’s not here enough to dirty many dishes.” It’s clear to me that it’s not about the number of dishes she; herself, uses. How do I bridge the gap between me and my husband? I’m ready to take us (me and him) to a therapist to work through this. I’m at my wits end.
I cannot stand my boyfriends son. We have been together going on 5 years. His mother passed away recently. She was a wonderful, sweet, beautiful person but she, along with the rest of the family have babied the son since the parents split over 10 years ago. He is 17. He acts like an 8 year old girl. He stays the night with my boyfriends mom often and she sleeps in the room with him. She doesn’t do this with the other grandchildren who are all younger than him. He twirls his hair as he watches tiktoks all day long. He wakes up between 11 and 1 everyday. His father gave him his car and provides gas money. He helps with yard work but only because he is made to. Recently his dad got stuck out of town for work for 2 weeks. The son, who doesn’t have a social life, suddenly has plans with friends when his dad finally is able to come home. He doesn’t call his dad and complains when his dad doesn’t call him, but only when he wants something from his dad. His favorite saying right now is “that’s no fun” which irks me. His dad will make it home after being gone all week and he has to call him to get him to come home. When he finally does come home he goes straight to “tending to his plants”. He whines and complains all the time. When we all sit down to watch tv he makes obnoxious noises. He crunches his water bottle or makes screetching sounds Orbsnorts. He gets in my ear and huffs or snorts and when I look at his dad like “ correct him” he just looks at me like “what?” I could go on and on
Omg! That sounds like what I’m dealing with. I feel like kids need structure and discipline. It drive me crazy that my wife do not hold her son accountable for anything! She will actually go out and shovel snow instead of asking her lazy 17 year old. I really feel bad for her
I cannot stand my boyfriends son. We have been together going on 5 years. His mother passed away recently. She was a wonderful, sweet, beautiful person but she, along with the rest of the family have babied the son since the parents split over 10 years ago. He is 17. He acts like an 8 year old girl. He stays the night with my boyfriends mom often and she sleeps in the room with him. She doesn’t do this with the other grandchildren who are all younger than him. He twirls his hair as he watches tiktoks all day long. He wakes up between 11 and 1 everyday. His father gave him his car and provides gas money. He helps with yard work but only because he is made to. Recently his dad got stuck out of town for work for 2 weeks. The son, who doesn’t have a social life, suddenly has plans with friends when his dad finally is able to come home. He doesn’t call his dad and complains when his dad doesn’t call him, but only when he wants something from his dad. His favorite saying right now is “that’s no fun” which irks me. His dad will make it home after being gone all week and he has to call him to get him to come home. When he finally does come home he goes straight to “tending to his plants”. He whines and complains all the time. When we all sit down to watch tv he makes obnoxious noises. He crunches his water bottle or makes screetching soundsOr snorts. He gets in my ear and huffs or snorts and when I look at his dad like “ correct him” he just looks at me like “what?” I could go on and on
I am a partner to two children, both a boy and a girl 11 & 12. The daughter has quickly become her mother! Trust me, this is the worst outcome. His ex-wife grew up rich and went to private schools. He religion (I think is obvious) teaches her to date wealthy men no matter what religion whereas the boys have to marry a women within the same religion. Had this confirmed by a friend in that religion. She was screwing my partner behind her future exes back and then turned around and married him right after the divorce.She wanted children, no marriage, and open relationship. Well, she ended up doing to him, what he agreed to do behind her exes back. I said, “how the heck where you not surprised she would do this?”. In which she was sooo sorry and two years later left him for an older man with more money. She is a lawyer and makes decent money but that doesn’t stop her from being a gold digger and opportunist. I mean she literally was screwing her way to the top at all of her jobs. Screwing the higher ups. Hasn’t anyone heard don’t dump where you eat?? She convinced my ex to stay with her and lie to everyones face at they were 4 & 5 at the time. She then manipulated them into private school in Pre & K. An out of pocket therapist and then later an even more ridiculous private school from the original one they started in tell early elementary. I had to sit there and watch him be walked all over. I couldn’t say anything and then the vitriol started to be aimed at me. I met them at 7 & 8. She had let this man be around them since toddlers and did everything in her power to keep this kids from me. What made me really sad, is that they were still in the innocence stage when I met them. Quickly they went from liking me to not wanting me around. The daughter especially has become a “copy” of her and it’s completely sad. She told her mother once, that nothing has changed and she doesn’t like me. What was this nothing?? We had just moved from CA to VA, for him to be back with his kids full-time. I barely even knew this child, and apparently she hates me now?? This, would be a great example of her influence on this child. She is almost a pre-teen, she is 12 now. She is completely indifferent and wants nothing to do with me. The last time she was over, I had commented that she forgot to make her bed the last time she was over. She did remember to make her bed that time. But when she came over again, she gave me a rude sour hello and then proceeded to her room. The son is a little more innocent, going on 11. He has sever A.D.D and its really difficult to him to do the simplest tasks. He never holds while going and never flushes after. He gets pee all over the place and I have finally had my partner agree to clean his own mess. It has been disgusting since we moved back to be on my hands and knees scrubbing around the toilet. As the other comment above, I love tidying the house and I am very cleanly. But I draw the line. The ex has no rules for these children, at least she says she does and evidence shows otherwise. I had to show him how to make his bed as he had no idea at 10!!! No laundry, no dishes, taking out the trash, etc. None of this he knew. I don’t even bother with the girl as she is never here. She even proceeded to say her bedroom didn’t feel like her room. I get that, we lived in her now husbands house as my partner had been kicked out of his. So I spent the time, hours at Home Goods to get her things for her room. She came over, half assed said thank you and then never came over again. The only time she would come is if she was going off to some rendezvous with her new man and then needed to stay with us. We have moved, I set her room up the same and still no thanks for it. I am at my wits end with this. He agrees to these simple chores with me, and does nothing to enforce it. So I am the bad person who isn’t their mother or step-mother. I know they will go back whining to her that I “forced” them to do chores. Yeah right, I “forced”. Just yesterday, the son came to get his Nintendo switch because he was going to the beach. He proceeds to say it has an indoor/outdoor pool right on the beach with 36 bedrooms!!! He then says that there is only 10 kids and how will they fill up all those rooms. This was a problem?? First world problem rather!! I couldn’t believe this spoiled reality coming out of his mouth. I got so LIVID about this. This women has a maid, a nanny, etc. you name it. She does nothing to parent these children. She expects him to pay their wall all to college. Then leave them 1 mil when they die!!! My partner has been brain washed by her, because she is a lawyer and calls him a bad father if he even tries to stand up to her. This has led to several arguments where he gets upset and tells me to get the hell out and go back to CA. WHO DOES THAT TO THEIR PARTNER??? I am disgusted beyond anything you could even imagine of hating a person. I have to sit her and have her crap PTSD given to him out on me. Don’t get me wrong, he is the nicest man in the world until it involves the children. Then you can see the spell she laid on him come out. She is a full Jezebel to this men. I am fed up, I am. I have a child who hates me because she sits there, I know it, and watches how her mother treats me. So this is all she knows to be true about me. Well if mommy doesn’t like her then neither do I. I cry, a few times a month because of her. I can’t even come to my partner and express my feelings of being hurt. I have now coined #teamwendy to him because of him taking her side on letting these kids be brats. She, at this religious holiday told her daughter that if she didn’t participate she would not receive her gift that day. The daughter threw a fit, sarcastically recited the lines and she STILL gave her the gift. I was aghast by this, mouth full open. Taught her absolutely nothing. I am these children’s bitch, their slave, their maid. They don’t give a flying you know what of my existence. Call me fed up in Virginia. (like sleepless in seattle)
My stepchild is a spoiled and entitled know-it-all. The smirks, snide remarks, and outright nasty comments are nonstop. She has every electronic known to humankind and my wife, her mom, believes she deserves all of them with absolutely no restrictions. My wife says she remembers resenting being told no as a child so she doesn’t ever want to tell her child no. She genuinely believes a child should rule the roost; needless to say, this causes problems. The child has no bedtime, stays up texting whenever she feels like to whoever she wants, has no set chores, and is wildly obnoxious. Any serious problem is solved with a hug for mommy.
Needless to say, the teen is a disaster. She goes through friends like other spoiled teens go through clothes, quickly hating the last week’s when they have the audacity to disagree or tell her something she doesn’t want to hear. She has never done laundry in her life, cooks two dishes which she doesn’t clean up after, and is served her own food my wife cooks for her so she shouldn’t have to eat what we eat. One of the very few times her mom told her to do the dishes I found her with the water running on full while texting. There were lies and excuses (“it was just a few words”) and mom thought that was just fine.
I’ve been told in crystal-clear terms I have zero authority over her despite paying for everything; my wife doesn’t work. What about child support? Daddy was a brief relationship resulting in a pregnancy. He never paid for everything and, last we heard, was living in a trailer. Yes; I literally pulled the girl out of a trailer though that was when she was very young (and, no, I’ve never received any form of thank-you).
There is, thankfully, a light at the end of the tunnel. The kid will leave for University in a few years. And, I’d imagine, find a man deserving of her greatness. Or, more likely the way she alienates people, a few dozen of them. It’s been made clear I’m not worthy which is just fine by me.
Hey, Beautiful Step Moms – WOMEN who shared here, I am so with you – I am HAPPY to be here. Not that I want you to be going through this – but to know that me wanting to SCREAM my head off – – take a couple of teenagers by the nape of the neck(I raised three kids – all out and soaring – promise no abuse in any manner – a descriptive pick of words only.)
My significant other has two teenagers, daughter age 18 and son, 16 soon to be 17. Entitled, rude, disrespectful, and OH BOY….the world is to bow at their feet with I am so sorry this happened. How about, LIFE HAPPENS, teach them the art of throwing your NEW toothbrush package in the garbage that is within arms reach. To PUT the phone down – HEY truly as parent it is yours.
I know in the lane of discipline – guidance – teaching this is the PARENTS making sure their world is okay. Serious illness for my step son. cancer survior – cleared more than 7 years ago – oh boy, talk about throwing the cancer card…well guess what, CANCER is gone…talk about someone who should be grateful. NOT. Sharing with you – I understand that cancer battle -MY SON, also battled childhood cancer – still the most rare to this day and the lowest rate of getting through it. HE IS 37!!!! He was 9 when diagnosed. SO I GET IT…and guess what; he owns his own business and is living life – and this after beating cancer – having both of his legs broke below the knee – – in his late 20’s. 11 surgeries and now in a new norm of pain – he STILL drives in home – Living life.
I seriously think I am getting a headache from the steam that is coming out of my ears, every time I think of the insanity of these two teenagers.
I understand that guilt is a hard thing – but messing up our kids no guiding them and then sending them out in to the world…shoot…how are they doing to not only get a job but if they do HOLD ONE. After I incident with spending money that he should not have(given to him by hid Dad), and saying that he got took. I asked, are their rules…does he have rules? I was told, A Few. And got the don’t ask any more stance. Seriously – RULES..A few..what are they? I need to know…..
Deep breathe, I surely don’t walk on water and I /we never expected our kids to – but they are NOW great people…working hard, giving back and truly because; they got in the morning, made their bed,(not always : ) but 90% of the time – brushed their teeth, went to school, helped out in the house and on the farm. They now share memories with their kids, my grandkids… who are respectful, engaging and living life – and YES, learning to make their beds, take their dishes to the sink, etc…ages 9 to 1. How AWESOME do our kids feel when we give them that LIFT to know they can do anything they can dream – – it is our JOB to guide them UNTIL and give this world a beautiful young person – SOARING beyond our wildest dreams. And I still want to scream. Please be chuckling. I am with EACH OF YOU…in heart of hearts!!!
This was such a helpful post for me to read, thank you. The replies have been helpful as well. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I struggle with being a stepmom to two school age children who are growing up in much wealthier, permissive households than what I grew up in. They aren’t encouraged to behave politely, don’t read books, and generally treat the world like a big joke that should always provide a yes to them. It’s hard to live with, to say the least. Wishing all of you struggling step-parents out there peace at the end of the day.
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Unfortunately, all of these situations ring true for me as well, and I’m seeing a trend. Married only a few months and I am the “bonus mom” (this term was new to me!) to a teen girl who is on the younger end of the teenager scale. I have been paying part of the mortgage (I earn a third of what my husband does), and my stepdaughter is with us 50% of the time. She has no chores (her mom pays her to do them at her house), washes no dishes (despite the one time I asked her to put the dishes she used in the dishwasher in front of her, and she did it only the one time). She hasn’t helped clean, she only bakes what she wants to bake (so she knows how to cook well), but she never helps. My husband has said that he never had to do anything at his home growing up—that his mom did everything, and he thinks that’s how it should be for kids growing up. When we have his child, we always have to run errands for her to get the things she wants, and she never thinks anyone else might also need to pick up something. During the time we have her, it’s totally about her. He indulges her with everything from Stripper acrylic nails, bidets for her bathroom, exotic vacations, whatever shoe is in style, designer brands… He never indulges me, however. And get this—when we first were together, my husband would go up to bed when she was ready to go and I suggested we continue to visit as adults after he tucked her in (yes, that still happens!) That worked only one night and now whenever the daughter decides it’s time she was in bed, she turns off the tv and we ALL go to bed. He stays in her room for 30 mins to tuck her in, and he comes in to spend 5 minutes with me before he falls asleep! And our door stays completely open all night. WTF. I feel like I am sacrificing quite a bit for very little in return, and I’m growing very tired of it all. Also, This teenager openly compliments herself about EVERYTHING she does—even though it’s unwarranted. The first time I heard it, I was stunned. Is this a common teenage behavior these days? It happens every day we have her. It’s seriously concerning and I can’t believe the arrogance in her statements. I know my husband wouldn’t be functioning if this kid wasn’t in his world, but I think it would be a different life if I left. Any suggestions are welcomed. I’ve just been shutting down as of late when I see things because I’m so tired of the same results I experience after talking about things and airing them out. The only thing I see down the road is a divorce.
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