Yikes. Divorce. One of my biggest fears. (Aside from mice. And spiders. *shudder*)

Trying to be a perfect Stepmom was just about my downfall. And I wonder if you’re reading this because you feel like it might be your downfall, too. Don’t worry girlfriend, I got you. (Pinkyswear.)

Once upon a time, long before I became a Stepfamily Counsellor, and long before I turned into a Happy Stepmom, well… life was pretty crappy. I loved my husband a lot, but there was a catch. He came with a couple extra bodies from his life before me. One of those bodies was a beautiful little boy. The other one of those bodies was a woman who used to share his last name.

But at the beginning, since I loved my husband so much, I thought: he has a kid and an ex-wife? No sweat. How hard could it be? (hahaha)

I ran through a similar cycle that many Stepmoms find themselves in.

First, I entered the Honeymoon Phase. I fell head over heels in love with my husband. And because I fell in love with this man, by proxy, that also meant that I was going to have to fall in love with his son, no?

I convinced myself that I was going to be the best dang Stepmom who ever walked this earth. I was going to love my Stepson like he was my own (because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?). While in the honeymoon phase, I convinced myself of all these amazing moments I’d have with my Stepson. Heck, in my mind, he was going to probably end up coming to me instead of his Bio-Parents when he wanted advice about using condoms.

But then came the phase I like to call Reality. And once I met Reality, well, I just about ran for the hills.

I had no idea what the rules of a Stepfamily were. I had absolutely no clue the obstacles that were going to arise. And the truth is, speaking from a professional standpoint, the vast majority of Stepmoms have no idea what they’re signing up for. This is probably one reason the divorce rate in Stepfamilies is over 67% (yikes).

I made a huge, huge mistake when I first started out as a Stepmom: I tried so hard to win over that little boy instead of letting our relationship grow organically. I tried so hard to be perfect so that he’d accept me into his world — and it ended up backfiring.

I tried baking cookies with him, hoping we’d bond. He’d last about 47 seconds and I’d be left to finish baking by myself (but he had no problem eating the cookies).

I tried buying his love, picking up every neat Minecraft gadget I saw in random places. Those gadgets just got mixed in with the rest of his stuff (and left me cursing about wasting money).

I tried impressing him with fancy home-cooked meals. He’d turn his nose up at them, saying how disgusting my cooking was. (Ouch. I’m a good cook, ok?!)

I busted my butt at my career while also keeping the house spic and span. I bought and wrapped Christmas presents. I packed lunches.

I kept my mouth shut when he was misbehaving. I acted like nothing was wrong when he’d hurt my feelings. I didn’t speak up when his waaayyyy-too-late bedtime would cut into my one-on-one time with my husband.

(Are you the happiest stepmom you know? Take this free quiz to find out.)

Truth Bomb: I did all of this because I was afraid that if my Stepson decided he didn’t like me, then my husband would have no choice but to move on with his life.

Instead of allowing the relationship between my Stepson and I to develop naturally, I was sacrificing my own happiness by doing a whole bunch of stuff that I quite honestly didn’t want to do. I had completely unfair expectations of myself, and completely unfair expectations of my Stepson. There was nothing right or fair about expecting this “instant love” that our society lies to us and tells us is a prerequisite for a High-Functioning Stepfamily.

Building organic, intentional, and respectful relationships with our Stepchildren is one of the pillars of a thriving Stepfamily.

And a lesson I learned the really, really hard way was that it didn’t matter if I was a Perfect Stepmom. You can’t force a relationship with your Stepchildren, and you especially can’t fake it by trying to be perfect.

The amazing relationship I’ve managed to build with my Stepson has taken time. It’s taken mistakes. It’s taken yelling. It’s taken tears. It’s taken ugly moments. It’s taken fights with my husband. It’s taken moments of asking why in the name of God I signed up to be with a man who had a child with someone else. It’s taken hundreds of family dinners together. It’s taken being present at dozens of hockey games and soccer practices. It’s taken the strength to accept that he will always love his Mom and Dad more than he loves me. (And it’s also taken bottles and bottles of wine.)

But it’s never taken perfect.

So if you’re reading this, and you are breaking your neck by trying to be the Perfect Stepmom, I want to give you permission to stop. We never have to do anything that doesn’t serve us.

One piece of advice: Before you act, always ask yourself what your motives are behind something. Are you doing something with the intention of changing how someone else feels about you? Or are you doing something because you genuinely want to do it?

People, but especially kids, can sniff out when our motives aren’t genuine.

Not only that, but when we get rejected, it erodes away our self-esteem (which is a recipe for disaster).

When we act from a place of authenticity, then even if we get rejected, it hurts a bit less because we know we did the right thing.

And above all, Stepmom, try to cut yourself some slack. In case nobody’s told you today, you are so appreciated and you are so loved. To be worthy does not mean to be perfect. You are enough.