Hey girl, hey! I’m so glad you’re here. Today I’m going to be switching things up a little bit and hopping up onto my soapbox to talk about something that, quite honestly, really really bothers me. Spoiler alert: It isn’t socks with sandals.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you hear and see me speak pretty candidly about Stepfamily issues and the shiz that Stepmoms are faced with on a day-to-day basis. You’d also know that, as an Online Stepfamily Counselor and happy Second Wife and Stepmom, there’s nothing I love more than teaching Stepmoms that 1) yes it’s possible to have a happy Stepfamily and 2) just because a Stepmom is having challenges within her Stepfamily, it doesn’t mean she’s a wicked Stepmonster.

If you’re in a pinch and you need some help in your Stepfamily — and you need it fast — then click here to find out more about my one-of-a-kind monthly mentorship program: The Successful Stepmom’s Roadmap.

This little something I’ll be ranting about today is Society’s negative association with the word Step; how that negative association hurts our self-esteem as Stepmothers; and how failing to accept that we belong to a Stepfamily can put us at an even higher risk of divorce.

I’ll admit it. In the past, I’d totally shy away from identifying as a Stepmom. When strangers would ask me if I had children, I wasn’t confident enough to answer, “I have a Stepson,” so I’d usually just shake my head and say “Nope, no kids…” and then I’d change the subject in a big hurry. I’d have sooner been locked in a room crawling with rats and swarming with bees (my 2 greatest fears) than have to answer that question from one more person.

But why, my Stepqueen Sister, why do some of us feel so guilty or ashamed of being Stepmothers? Why do some of us feel like hiding the fact that we live in a Stepfamily?

The point I’m trying to make here is that there can be a really large amount of shame that accompanies the word Step. We try to sugar-coat our position as Stepmothers by referring to ourselves as things like Bonus Moms, or by referring to our Stepchildren as Bonus Kids. We deny we live in a Stepfamily, and say we live in a Blended Family instead.

I’m not here to tell you that you’re wrong for calling yourself a Bonus Mom in a Blended Family. However the heck you want to identify is cool by me. But I am challenging the stereotype that implies that being a Stepmom who lives in a Stepfamily is somehow less ideal. I am challenging the misconception that Step is a dirty word.

We are doing ourselves and our worldwide Tribe of other beautiful Stepmoms a disservice by buying into the nonsense that Step=Less Than. Not only that, but we are creating a hierarchy within our own Stepmother Tribe by identifying ourselves as Bonus and Blended. In a time and place where we should be joining together in strength to prove that Stepmoms are more than what society gives us credit for, we are drawing our own lines in the sand, between the members of our very own Tribe. Other Stepmoms are the only ones who can completely understand where we’re coming from in certain Stepfamily situations. I’d love to see stronger unity between us.

Finally, by leaving the Step out of our identities, we are kinda shooting ourselves in the foot. Hear me out.

Stepfamilies play by a much different set of rules than First Families play by. Stepfamilies cannot, and will not, ever function like a first family. And you know what? That’s totally 100% A-OK. The problem here lies within the fact that we try to apply First Family rules to our Stepfamilies.

So why do we do this?

a) because nobody ever taught us the rules of Stepfamilies, and

b) because we are trying to brush past that dirty old word, Step, like we would the creepy drunk guy at the pub who keeps trying to buy us a shot of Tequila. (Amirite?)

I wish I had a dollar for every time I repeated this phrase: “The challenges we have within our Stepfamily are not because of the people who belong to our Stepfamily. It is not our husband’s fault. It is not our Stepchildren’s fault. It is not the ex-wife’s fault. It is not our fault. None of these specific people are to blame for our Stepfamily issues. The real culprit is actually the Stepfamily Dynamic itself.“

Ok, but what does that mean? Glad you asked, girlfriend!

This means that every issue we have within our Stepfamily — from co-parenting with an angry ex; to figuring out how to discipline our partner’s kids; to hearing “you’re not my mom so I don’t have to listen to you;” to feeling like we are somehow second-place or runner-up to our partner’s first family — these issues all stem from actually living in a Stepfamily.

What does this mean for you?

First of all, it means there is nothing wrong with you for feeling like you just can’t deal sometimes. It means that if you’ve found yourself locked in your bathroom with an overflowing glass of wine and enough tears to flood a small village, then you are part of an amazing Tribe of Stepmoms who have also been there at some point (and who may just be there again). It means that there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t love your Stepchildren as your own. (But also if you do love them as your own, then that’s super cool too!) It means that you and your partner are not the only couple who disagree on how to discipline his kids.

By identifying as, and embracing the fact that we are Stepmothers who live in Stepfamilies, we are able to take the first step (pun intended) towards actually seeking out the resources that will guide us towards harmony within our homes. And best of all — we are able to connect with other women who are just like us who have lived through our worst nightmares and come out on the other side with their heads held high.

By denying that ever-important prefix, Step, we are in essence denying that our Stepfamilies have a completely unique set of challenges that traditional families do not face. It’s kind of like how I don’t check my mailbox because I don’t want to see all my bills. But just because I pretend I don’t know they’re there doesn’t really mean I won’t have to pay them.

My Stepqueen Sister, I’m asking you to embrace your prefix. Fall in love with the Step side of you. This is a part of who you are, and this is a part of your Stepfamily’s identity.

I created the Successful Stepmom’s Roadmap for this exact reason. Sometimes all we need is a little bit of guidance to get to the other side. You can click here for more info.

So raise your glass and fix your crown. You got this, girlfriend. We’re all in this together.