Super Confident Stepmomming [Interview with Martha Mok]

MARTHA:

It's always going to be that no matter what, so there's no point on developing jealousy,

MARTHA:

anger or whatever towards them, he's as he or she is always going to be in in your life

MARTHA:

and in the child's life.

MARTHA:

So if you make a decision of becoming the partner of this new family, then you have to

MARTHA:

learn to accept the situation of having a second woman in this relationship.

BRITTANY:

Where would you take your life if you knew you could not fail?

BRITTANY:

I get it as a step mom, mom and entrepreneur.

BRITTANY:

Sometimes it can feel like what everyone else expects of you versus

BRITTANY:

What you dream about for yourself are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

BRITTANY:

As a woman, you're taught from a very young age what society thinks you are worth based

BRITTANY:

on how you look, how you behave, and how much money you're allowed to bring in.

BRITTANY:

But I'm here to show you that you can be the woman who has it all and not just on the

BRITTANY:

outside. I'm pretty linch and you are the queen of your castle.

BRITTANY:

Hello, hello, hello, welcome to another episode of The Queen of Your Castle podcast,

BRITTANY:

I am your host, Britney Lynch, with a very confident guest today on the show.

BRITTANY:

Today we have Martha Moch and Martha is going to introduce herself.

BRITTANY:

Martha is a step mom and so many more things on top of that.

BRITTANY:

So, Martha, thank you so much for being here with us today.

BRITTANY:

Could you please go ahead and let our beautiful listeners know who are you?

BRITTANY:

Where are you from and what do you love to do?

MARTHA:

Hi, my name is Martha.

MARTHA:

I'm from Sydney, Australia, so I'm ahead of time of all of you.

MARTHA:

It is so nice to meet you all today.

MARTHA:

I'm a super confident coach for women.

MARTHA:

I am also a multiple what women international, McWatters and Chippenham with

MARTHA:

multiple businesses and motivational speaker and offer.

MARTHA:

And I'm also in a wonderful relationship with my partner at the moment who has a nine

MARTHA:

year old daughter.

MARTHA:

Despite all of those happy thing that I just share.

MARTHA:

I'm also someone just like you who is a daughter, a sister, an ex wife that will be

MARTHA:

in a 19 year abusive marriage in bully school since the age of six and was also

MARTHA:

sexually molested by someone I trust at a young age.

MARTHA:

So despite all of my colourful past, I am in a very happy relationship with my current

MARTHA:

partner. And it's wonderful to have this chance to share with Britney today

BRITTANY:

So many things that I want to pull on here that I'm so excited to talk about first.

BRITTANY:

My first question, though, has got to be what is a super confidence coach?

BRITTANY:

What does that mean?

MARTHA:

If I'm going to play with a tone that is a tongue twister is when you are consciously or

MARTHA:

unconsciously competence.

MARTHA:

That means that your confidence does come in from the inside of you when you're doing it

MARTHA:

without you knowing it and you know that you are doing a good job.

MARTHA:

That's when the super confidence comes in.

MARTHA:

So when we talk about a certain topics, we believe in our core that we know what we're

MARTHA:

talking about, despite what other people may think of you.

MARTHA:

But the inside of you are confident enough to have your voice, to have your view and to

MARTHA:

share your ideas and feelings.

MARTHA:

And that's what super confident me.

BRITTANY:

That's amazing, because who doesn't want all of those things, who doesn't want to be able

BRITTANY:

to show up very authentically and very unapologetically for who they really are?

BRITTANY:

Now, you've already kind of teased us with the story behind how you got to this place,

BRITTANY:

if you were to take us way back in time and explain to us this journey of how you were

BRITTANY:

able to turn this adversity into something so empowering and healing and beautiful

BRITTANY:

for other people.

MARTHA:

I love to start when you were young, you tend to get pushed around and try to mimic the

MARTHA:

most popular people around you.

MARTHA:

So when I was at school, I was a good friend of a popular girl.

MARTHA:

Then something happened.

MARTHA:

I can't even remember what it is.

MARTHA:

And the whole class turned against you.

MARTHA:

So I have no one to talk to you for free use during my high school year.

MARTHA:

So I suffer the all the bullying or the silence.

MARTHA:

But I still believe there's good in people.

MARTHA:

I don't believe that when people are not good to you, you need to fight back with

MARTHA:

violence or negativity.

MARTHA:

I still believe in showing kindness.

MARTHA:

So that's how I go for my free use until the day that my teacher actually said something

MARTHA:

in the class in year six, he says that we are going to move forward in our life now.

MARTHA:

Are we still going to hold the anger and the rejection in our heart for someone who has

MARTHA:

not done anything wrong?

MARTHA:

Or are you going to starting to make changes because your life is about to change, too?

MARTHA:

It is from that sentence.

MARTHA:

I started to have a little bit more friends coming back into me.

MARTHA:

Hey, she's actually pretty cool.

MARTHA:

So the girls are not really into it.

MARTHA:

So the guys are actually I heard Mufleh is actually pretty cool, so let's hang out with

MARTHA:

her. So that was like the last month was when I was in Hong Kong.

MARTHA:

I had the best time of knowing that, hey, you know what?

MARTHA:

Being kind, be nice, being gentle and just being who I am without worrying what other

MARTHA:

people are thinking of me can actually give me a lot of respect at the end.

MARTHA:

So that's when I started building my confidence.

MARTHA:

So when I come to Australia, couldn't speak English, learning everything again.

MARTHA:

I still remember one of the first lunch I have in my high school.

MARTHA:

One of the girls told me that I was eating like a A cow, so I was chewing too hot.

MARTHA:

I was trying to be polite, not not speaking and talking at the same eating and speaking

MARTHA:

at the same time. So I thought I was doing the right thing, but then I was rejected

MARTHA:

again by the group. So what did I do?

MARTHA:

I didn't fight back against them.

MARTHA:

I didn't I just like smile.

MARTHA:

I say, OK, that's your view.

MARTHA:

I can't help you with it.

MARTHA:

But this is just me having that confidence.

MARTHA:

To be who you are is one of the toughest thing for a teen agers over child.

MARTHA:

I was able to do that because I was given a lot of freedom at home of being who I am.

MARTHA:

I was a very, very naughty girl.

MARTHA:

I think I got a nickname of Naughty Moffa when I was young by my uncle.

MARTHA:

He still called me that at age 40 for whatever I have a chance to see.

MARTHA:

So I was told that I was always outspoken, being able to share my view, even that when

MARTHA:

I'm quiet, I'm not having that Peterson in me.

MARTHA:

So because of that love and condition that I have at home, I was able to become who I am

MARTHA:

right now. And in saying that, I did experience a trauma when I was young, it was

MARTHA:

the first time when I learned about fear was that I don't know what I did.

MARTHA:

It must be at the age of probably about four.

MARTHA:

Can't remember. But I remember when a knife actually stepped onto my hand when I can see

MARTHA:

my vein was green and blue and when I can see blood was gushing out in a dark red

MARTHA:

color. That was when my father tried to teach me a lesson of something which I cannot

MARTHA:

remember anymore, and that was how he was teaching me.

MARTHA:

So in saying that you think about now as I hate, how can you still be confident?

MARTHA:

How can you still be positive?

MARTHA:

It's because I learn to realize that it is not someone's fault.

MARTHA:

It is not my fault, is not his fault.

MARTHA:

Don't look at SFO, but look at it as learning.

MARTHA:

That was the wisdom that I got later on in life when I went back using time line therapy

MARTHA:

to find the wisdom of what I have learned from my past.

MARTHA:

So that's half of my life so far.

BRITTANY:

What a life to live.

BRITTANY:

You said so, but you said so many great things.

BRITTANY:

And, you know, one thing that really is standing out to me is the the the freedom

BRITTANY:

that you that you noticed and noted that you were given as a child to be who you are.

BRITTANY:

And in in my group program called Your Step Mom story in a lot of the work that I do with

BRITTANY:

my clients.

BRITTANY:

The way that I support my clients in.

BRITTANY:

Reaching a place of feeling peaceful, reaching a place of feeling confident and

BRITTANY:

accepted by their stepfamilies is by helping them to slowly start unpacking all of these

BRITTANY:

lies, essentially that the world told them that they had to believe in order to be

BRITTANY:

popular, to fit in, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

BRITTANY:

And I feel that as parents, we know what it feels like to be bullied.

BRITTANY:

We know what it feels like to have pain.

BRITTANY:

And we want to protect our kids and we want to protect our step kids by saying, don't do

BRITTANY:

this way, don't look this way, don't talk this way, don't dress that way.

BRITTANY:

And while we're trying to protect them, we're actually essentially stripping them of

BRITTANY:

their confidence the same way that it was done to us.

BRITTANY:

So for somebody who is, you know, reaching to become a more confident person, whether

BRITTANY:

that's a more confident partner or a more confident parent or a more confident worker

BRITTANY:

or business owner or whatever that might look like, what I am hearing you say is that

BRITTANY:

the key to that is giving yourself the freedom to be who you are without making

BRITTANY:

other people wrong for telling you that that wasn't good enough.

MARTHA:

I feel like that is also to give ourselves option as a human, we hate to be told what to

MARTHA:

do. We like to be given an option, just like the trial that you're facing, just like the

MARTHA:

ex partner that you are looking for.

MARTHA:

I am in a good relationship with my accountant now, and he is in a very good

MARTHA:

relationship with his ex partner.

MARTHA:

So ESA is a new partner coming into this sort of dynamic family.

MARTHA:

And and you think about is that the ex is always going to be there no matter what.

MARTHA:

So there's no point on developing jealousy, anger or whatever towards them.

MARTHA:

He's as he or she is always going to be in in your life and in the child's life.

MARTHA:

So if you make a decision of becoming the partner of this new family, then you have to

MARTHA:

learn to accept the situation of having a second woman in this relationship.

MARTHA:

You have to have the confidence in your partner knowing what they are doing and and

MARTHA:

realizing what your position is and always give yourself that option to choose.

MARTHA:

It's like when you're talking to a child instead of like stripping down confidence in

MARTHA:

say, hey, you can't do that, you can't do this.

MARTHA:

Always make sure that you explain the reason of why not doing it or that's an option for

MARTHA:

you. Would you like Brookley or would you like cauliflower?

MARTHA:

Give them an option to actually pick because it's the best way to build up a kid's

MARTHA:

confidence is by giving them and teaching them how to choose and making the decision

MARTHA:

for themselves. Sometimes they may make a one decision is OK, but that's how people

MARTHA:

learn. So when we make the wrong decision, as long as they're not jumping off the chair

MARTHA:

or killing themselves with a knife or anything dangerous, let them have that little

MARTHA:

bit of adventure on themselves because that's the best way to learn.

BRITTANY:

Yeah, absolutely.

BRITTANY:

Let's fast forward now to the next half of your life where you have built and reached

BRITTANY:

and achieved all of these really beautiful, incredible.

BRITTANY:

Achievements, milestones, identity is accomplishments.

BRITTANY:

How did you do that? How do you juggle all of these things?

BRITTANY:

How do you keep all of these plates in the air while being a partner and step mom and

BRITTANY:

everything, sister, wife, daughter, everything that you are?

BRITTANY:

How do you do it?

MARTHA:

I find that after my experience in the school area and being a bully and all of that, I

MARTHA:

develop a personality that I love to give and I love to share and I love to get

MARTHA:

attention. Attention is one of my core needs.

MARTHA:

So when I was only the age of twenty one, I got married to the first guy I ever dated and

MARTHA:

that was a 19 year marriage, no matter what happened in there.

MARTHA:

He wasn't working.

MARTHA:

He was he was just living on me because I was older.

MARTHA:

But we know the of the family.

MARTHA:

He decided to actually go into drugs and all of that.

MARTHA:

And I was told that I was worthless every single day.

MARTHA:

Even despite all of that, I still believe that there is something else that we can look

MARTHA:

into when we are in that sort of situation.

MARTHA:

So my brain was that a block of whatever happened?

MARTHA:

We were living like roommates for about 19, probably about 10 years of our life.

MARTHA:

But it didn't because I was so scared of being lonely.

MARTHA:

I was so scared that I'm fat, I'm old, I'm not pretty enough to find another

MARTHA:

relationship. And that cost me the pain that I have in the last nine years of my marriage

MARTHA:

until the day of my fortieth birthday.

MARTHA:

I was so happy in my life even that I was very successful in my working career.

MARTHA:

Well known. I'm making good money, but inside of me feel like what I feel like that

MARTHA:

I do.

MARTHA:

I do wedding for a living and I look at their happiness and look at my own happiness.

MARTHA:

It's very hard not to get moody and depressed.

MARTHA:

So I actually have this thinking is I hey, you know what?

MARTHA:

I'm going to make my life miserable.

MARTHA:

I'm going to tell myself that I'm only going to live sixty years and that's the end of my

MARTHA:

life. So I don't need any more than that.

MARTHA:

So that's what put me for the last bit of my marriage.

MARTHA:

So on my fortieth birthday, I asked myself, what do I want in the twenty years left in my

MARTHA:

life? I only want to live to sixty.

MARTHA:

So what do I want?

MARTHA:

And I realized at that moment what I truly want was joy and happiness.

MARTHA:

I have everything else in life, but all I wanted was the basic human needs was joy and

MARTHA:

happiness. So I finally took the courage to step out of my marriage and got out and find

MARTHA:

my life again. And to my surprise, it was about one year and a half, almost two years

MARTHA:

before I found my column partner.

MARTHA:

Of course, you started to go on online dating.

MARTHA:

You starting to go and meet all these people.

MARTHA:

I meet some wonderful guy friends, amazing friends.

MARTHA:

That was still like, nope, being very close to each other.

MARTHA:

And of course, we meet some scammers and things like that online and we're trying to

MARTHA:

look for love. And I'm so grateful of that confidence in me that I'm able to say no to

MARTHA:

people. I'm able to stand up my value.

MARTHA:

And that's when my mind and everything in a white case, that's when I met my partner.

MARTHA:

He saw me as someone that is so confident, who is not insecure, which is what he's been

MARTHA:

looking for forever, because he always say to me, is that all my ex partner are very

MARTHA:

insecure about me and my ex wife.

MARTHA:

We're just friends and things like that.

MARTHA:

I can see and understand why, because they do have a good relationship.

MARTHA:

But you have to have the trust in both of them as long as you have the trust in both of

MARTHA:

them and in yourself as well, knowing that if you wasn't treated white, the second guy

MARTHA:

like me, you can walk away.

MARTHA:

You have the power to because you done it once was so scared of doing it again.

MARTHA:

I'm even older, more and more, and didn't look as good as the first time as well.

MARTHA:

But what I gain is that confidence, that beauty, that knowledge of what I want in a

MARTHA:

relationship. And it is from that that makes me who I am right now and makes me so happy

MARTHA:

in my own relationship because I can finally build up the confidence to communicate with

MARTHA:

my partner if anything goes wrong.

BRITTANY:

I feel like there are many heads right now bobbing saying that's easy for you to say, to

BRITTANY:

let them have their relationship without it making me feel insecure or making me feel

BRITTANY:

jealous. Or, you know, as your partner said, it's a it's it's almost easier to be in a

BRITTANY:

relationship when your spouse has a higher conflict relationship with their ex because,

BRITTANY:

you know, they're not in a romantic relationship.

BRITTANY:

I find that it's a whole I'm not saying it's easy to be in a relationship like that, but

BRITTANY:

but it's a different kind of a different kind of inner work that you have to do to be

BRITTANY:

able to be with somebody who has a really good, really close, really friendly co

BRITTANY:

parenting relationship with their partner.

BRITTANY:

And so I want to know, you know what especially, you know, coming from an abusive

BRITTANY:

relationship, coming from this place in time where you felt like you were so afraid to be

BRITTANY:

alone. You were so, you know, you put up with this B.S.

BRITTANY:

for nine more years than you wanted to because you didn't want to.

BRITTANY:

Be alone, how did you how did you go from being.

BRITTANY:

Afraid to leave an abusive marriage where you didn't want to be alone, to then end

BRITTANY:

developing the confidence to say if my partner and their ex have some unresolved

BRITTANY:

romantic relationship between them, I'm now confident enough to be able to allow them to

BRITTANY:

do that without it destroying me.

BRITTANY:

Where did that come from?

BRITTANY:

That power, that confidence?

MARTHA:

The first thing is I need to believe that they are in a good relationship, but not

MARTHA:

romantic relationship.

MARTHA:

That's the boundary that we need to set on ourselves.

MARTHA:

And if they have their will mantic relationship going on, knowing that I can

MARTHA:

walk out any day and any time, that is the strength that we have to up.

MARTHA:

So because no one is deserve to be treated like a second best.

MARTHA:

So knowing that in yourself, that is the most important, because if you don't think

MARTHA:

about that, it's like what we always get, what we ask for.

MARTHA:

So if we don't bring that up in a woman's relationship, they will be getting back

MARTHA:

together. They still love each other.

MARTHA:

They have a history together.

MARTHA:

All of that thinking is going to cause you to blow up this sentence or end trust.

MARTHA:

This is like a like like a minyans going to eat up all your your beauty inside.

MARTHA:

So the first thing to do is definitely to get that thinking out.

MARTHA:

Like what I said earlier in the show is about having that trust in your partner in in

MARTHA:

yourself, that this is unloyal relationship together and it is not the first thing you

MARTHA:

should do is get out.

MARTHA:

Is that there's no reason for you to suffer again.

MARTHA:

There's no reason for you to be in a silent relationship again, because what did I gain

MARTHA:

in the loss relationship besides learning not to do so?

MARTHA:

So why not?

MARTHA:

Why doing that? And and that's how I actually work on myself.

MARTHA:

Of course, a lot of inner work, self-love, confidence building, understanding behavior,

MARTHA:

understanding our language, physiology and the focus as well.

MARTHA:

That's what I teach in my confidence building program for women.

MARTHA:

But in saying that, the most important part is we do not project what we don't want to

MARTHA:

have. So we have to build up that as a relationship.

MARTHA:

If there's no trust, it's not even a relationship, then why be in a relationship

MARTHA:

like a friend that you can go high and why you need to find someone that who is having

MARTHA:

that maturity, having that understanding and respect to you as their partner, as their

MARTHA:

loyalty, as their partner, to be together.

MARTHA:

Otherwise, why do we want to share our food?

MARTHA:

Our time I'll bet with someone else is because in return of the return in the

MARTHA:

investment in the relationship of happiness, joy, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, all of

MARTHA:

those combined together, if not, there's no point to be in a relationship.

MARTHA:

You're better off playing with your own toys and have a cat next to you.

BRITTANY:

Can I get a name then?

BRITTANY:

I would have to agree. There are some great toys on the market these days, so it's

BRITTANY:

likely.

MARTHA:

Why not be confident you recover them and say we're well out here?

BRITTANY:

Yes, absolutely.

BRITTANY:

I want to I want to go back to something that you had said.

BRITTANY:

When you are kind of going through, I guess, what it would be that you invite your clients

BRITTANY:

to go through in your confidence, of course, or program or whatever.

BRITTANY:

You mentioned confidence and self love separately.

BRITTANY:

Could you explain in your interpretation what is the difference between self-love and

BRITTANY:

confidence?

MARTHA:

I got to share this story with your audience during the time that when I was going into a

MARTHA:

depression and trauma therapy, when someone tell me that to have more self, say, F off,

MARTHA:

because I believe that I love myself, I eat well, I dress well, I present myself well.

MARTHA:

So that is my self-love that I did not realize.

MARTHA:

What they mean is what I my boundry, my Bantry, which is to self love with when I'm

MARTHA:

dealing with my partner, dealing with a guy.

MARTHA:

So that was what I was missing.

MARTHA:

That's why for me, I treat self-love and confidence as a completely separate things.

MARTHA:

Having the confidence of being yourself doesn't mean that you know how to set

MARTHA:

boundaries to other people, not allowing them to hurt you, because believe it when I

MARTHA:

say this, we are in control of everything in our life.

MARTHA:

As long as we're willing to take back control and not take that control away by

MARTHA:

other people, we are always in control in our head.

MARTHA:

So our belief system, how we are setting up our belief system, for example, your partner

MARTHA:

come home and bring you flowers.

MARTHA:

You could we have a choice in our brain to believe that either he does something wrong.

MARTHA:

So he bought me flowers.

MARTHA:

They must be something going on behind his back.

MARTHA:

That's why he bought me flowers or except in a way, is that because I'm a beautiful person

MARTHA:

and I'm a great partner.

MARTHA:

He wants to show me appreciation and bought me flowers, is accepting of the same illness

MARTHA:

and now we scenario. You do not know the other side of the coin of what it is, but

MARTHA:

what I can actually control is what I'm thinking in my head.

MARTHA:

So that's what I mean by having that confidence, of having twice that belief, of

MARTHA:

what your model of woe is like.

MARTHA:

And always, as always, I said that we people model of the world.

MARTHA:

When people told me before that I need to have more self love, why do I say F is

MARTHA:

because that they don't know my model of well and they have not respect me.

MARTHA:

I did not feel the respect of what I should be earning because of how confident I am,

MARTHA:

because of how successful I am in business, of how tough of a woman I am.

MARTHA:

When you just tell someone to have more self love, you are taking away all the credit that

MARTHA:

they were doing in their life.

MARTHA:

They're fighting every single day.

MARTHA:

They're working better on themselves.

MARTHA:

You took that away from them by saying you need to have more self-love.

MARTHA:

I said no, you need to have more self recognition of what you need and what you

MARTHA:

want in your life.

MARTHA:

What is your boundaries?

MARTHA:

What does that you want?

MARTHA:

Ultimately, you only you need to have clarity in your life about what you truly

MARTHA:

want. We'll find out the why of you when you're doing something.

MARTHA:

Why are you being with this partner?

MARTHA:

Because he's handsome.

MARTHA:

He can speak well. He's got a good car.

MARTHA:

Or is there something deeper we need to look deeper on like under the iceberg, not just

MARTHA:

looking at the top surface.

MARTHA:

What other qualities is that actually melt you?

MARTHA:

For example, for my partner, he chased me up whenever I know he wakes me up when I'm in a

MARTHA:

bad situation in my brain.

MARTHA:

Hey, we're even we are confident when we do have our time of the month, OK?

MARTHA:

So we do go back into a dark space when things like that can happen and triggers can

MARTHA:

actually come up. So he helps me out with that.

MARTHA:

He celebrate my success and he appreciate what I do.

MARTHA:

So those are sort of things this this.

MARTHA:

It doesn't matter what he looks like anymore.

MARTHA:

It doesn't matter what he does.

MARTHA:

What he do physically outside is the inequality that I see in him that he's making

MARTHA:

in my book, my ideal partner.

MARTHA:

So when understanding that, I also need to understand what are his flaws like.

MARTHA:

He is very sarcastic.

MARTHA:

He has that. And I'm Asian, OK?

MARTHA:

We don't have, like, his sarcasm in our diction, so I have to learn about that.

MARTHA:

And like, not the fact that he has a really good relationship with his ex partner.

MARTHA:

I don't have a relationship with my ex partner because he's abusive.

MARTHA:

So I cut my live off him and like learning the fact that she is going to be in his life

MARTHA:

forever. They have a child together, so deal with it.

BRITTANY:

Aren't you? Which I would argue isn't a flaw.

BRITTANY:

It's just something that most people wouldn't like when they're putting their

BRITTANY:

dating profile online.

BRITTANY:

It's not like a criteria that most people look for is like you have to have an X

BRITTANY:

partner in your life that's going to be around forever.

BRITTANY:

Like we we don't look for love that that has the criteria of being with kids and and an ex

BRITTANY:

spouse. I wouldn't say it's a.

BRITTANY:

It's just not something that we like right on our manifest list of our handsome,

BRITTANY:

beautiful or that we wish for.

MARTHA:

I think that probably because I was about 40 years old when I was looking for a new

MARTHA:

partner, I do not want a twenty five year old guy.

MARTHA:

I don't want to date. And I actually got, like, no trace at that age, which I'm like

MARTHA:

what some people do, like when we type.

MARTHA:

And then and then I'm like, if you if a guy is 40 something years old I'm looking for, of

MARTHA:

course he will have a relationship.

MARTHA:

It's a good chance that they have a kid together and I don't have my own child

MARTHA:

myself. So I say it's great that he has a child.

MARTHA:

So I don't have to give him one because I don't want to have my own kids because I'm

MARTHA:

too old now for too much.

MARTHA:

I don't want to have my own kids and I can love another kid like my own.

MARTHA:

I am very open to the idea, even on early stage of dating I the time.

MARTHA:

I'm very open to the idea of adopting when my life is actually a good relationship and

MARTHA:

good pace of myself.

MARTHA:

I would love to have the chance of adopting more kids that are in needs.

MARTHA:

And that's that's something that we have to agree on from the start.

MARTHA:

A lot of women, when they going into dating or meeting their first another partner, they

MARTHA:

tend to hide themselves and hide before before I even meet them in person, I say to

MARTHA:

sentence that was normal to scare the shit out of guys who are not interested.

MARTHA:

That is a great couple of questions.

MARTHA:

If you ever want to try that, I tell the guys that I don't cook.

MARTHA:

I got a cleaner to come into my house to clean so I don't clean myself.

MARTHA:

The only know things that I know what to do is to be a nice person.

MARTHA:

I make money. So that was that was that was my thing.

MARTHA:

And I also tell a guy that I'm a unicorn, I'm a princess and a dinosaur.

MARTHA:

So go figure that one out.

MARTHA:

Yeah. I'm not scared of telling them who I am and I'm what percent.

MARTHA:

So and it kind of create an interest in the guy as well of wanting to find out what that

MARTHA:

unicorn is and what that brings us in and what that dinosaur is because they have quite

MARTHA:

a unicorn is magical, princess is uprising and all of that and loyalty that comes into

MARTHA:

it. But a dinosaur as well, where does that come from?

MARTHA:

So it's quite intriguing for the human mind to think this one is different.

MARTHA:

This one is different. There's so many possibilities now in the dating world of

MARTHA:

finding another person.

MARTHA:

There's really plenty of fish outside.

MARTHA:

So how do you actually find the ones that you want to spend time on?

MARTHA:

Is by being do so?

MARTHA:

By being you mean being authentic, being different?

MARTHA:

Just allow yourself to be you, because that's the best bait to fish the fish.

MARTHA:

That is what for you,

BRITTANY:

We're kind of going on a little bit of a tangent here, but that's OK.

BRITTANY:

I have a very fond memory of back in my in my twenties, right after I bought my house,

BRITTANY:

my now best friend became my roommate.

BRITTANY:

And my now husband and I were already together at the time.

BRITTANY:

So I we were already together by the time that Tinder came out, which is a little bit

BRITTANY:

sad for me for a few reasons.

BRITTANY:

But thankfully, my roommate and best friend now to this day.

BRITTANY:

Hi, Danica. She would.

BRITTANY:

She would go on Tinder, and so we would like, as a family, essentially play Tinder

BRITTANY:

together, and it was just this like whole new world of possibilities.

BRITTANY:

There are so many people out there.

BRITTANY:

But I think that you bring up a really important point and a listener, if you're

BRITTANY:

like, why is she talking about dating right now?

BRITTANY:

The reason is that you bring up a really important point that.

BRITTANY:

I think a lot of the time we resign ourselves to the fact that the relationship

BRITTANY:

that we're in has to be the relationship that we're in forever, even when it stops

BRITTANY:

working, even when we have, like, built a tentative red flags, even when we have felt

BRITTANY:

unloved or worthless or abused or not important.

BRITTANY:

And this is, of course, like a very a very interesting dynamic in stepfamilies, because,

BRITTANY:

you know, from my experience with with all of the beautiful women I've been so

BRITTANY:

privileged to work with from all over the whole entire world, there are a lot of

BRITTANY:

insecurities that we have that really can be ironed out.

BRITTANY:

But there are also times when we're just in a relationship with the wrong person.

BRITTANY:

And and I think that, you know, a nice way to wrap this episode up with a pretty little

BRITTANY:

bow is by reminding whoever is listening that.

BRITTANY:

It doesn't matter how much money that you make, it doesn't matter how much success that

BRITTANY:

you have, it doesn't matter the partner that you're with, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

BRITTANY:

If you don't believe that you're worthy of joy and of happiness and of being in

BRITTANY:

partnership with somebody who will go out of their way to make sure that you can be

BRITTANY:

yourself, to feel grateful, to feel happiness.

BRITTANY:

There are plenty of fish in the sea like Tinder is still thing.

BRITTANY:

Right? And just because just because you fell in love with somebody 10 years ago or 15

BRITTANY:

years ago or three years ago, people change and people grow.

BRITTANY:

And and we have this, like, really intense attachment, I think, to to stand the test of

BRITTANY:

time in our relationships.

BRITTANY:

This is one way that people used to to kind of gauge how successful is my relationship.

BRITTANY:

Well, how many years have you been together?

BRITTANY:

And it's unfortunate that that has to be the metric of how successful as your relationship

BRITTANY:

is. How long have you been together rather than how happy are you?

BRITTANY:

How much joy do you bring each other?

BRITTANY:

How supportive of you are you of each other in your individuality?

BRITTANY:

So I would really love to see that conversation change listener Europe.

BRITTANY:

And and I appreciate, Martha, that you are out there, you know, spreading the good word

BRITTANY:

of how to be confident and how to not feel like you have to settle in any area of your

BRITTANY:

life, how to not feel ashamed to put boundaries up because you're afraid to push

BRITTANY:

away somebody who couldn't respect them in the first place.

BRITTANY:

So, so many things on so many conversations to be had, so much probably reflecting to do

BRITTANY:

after this episode. Sorry, not sorry.

MARTHA:

Definitely. Especially like you mentioned, a really good point.

MARTHA:

And I really recently realized that when you starting to change your mindset, that it's

MARTHA:

like me that did not want to leave more than 60 years old.

MARTHA:

Now I finally have the courage to have a future, to have a life that is more than 60

MARTHA:

years old because of the courage that my colleague and partner actually gave me.

MARTHA:

So when you're with someone that you cannot see, a future is a very good sign for you

MARTHA:

that you may be not in the relationship.

MARTHA:

You may be needing to find someone else to actually give you a future, because a life

MARTHA:

without future is like a dead fish on land.

MARTHA:

It's no happiness in that whatsoever.

BRITTANY:

Unifor Pettifor also also.

BRITTANY:

It's it's really our own responsibility to choose that, it's our responsibility to say,

BRITTANY:

you know what, I don't want to live to 60, I want to live to 80.

BRITTANY:

It's our responsibility to say I don't want to be a dead fish.

BRITTANY:

I don't want to be a dad. There's way too much of it to do.

BRITTANY:

So anyway, Martha, I've been an absolute slice.

BRITTANY:

If our listeners would like to get to know some more about you or your amazing super

BRITTANY:

confidence coaching program or connect with you, where is the best place to find you?

MARTHA:

If you go onto Google and search for super confident coach, you would be able to find

MARTHA:

me. I will send my Langtry to Britney as well so all of you can find me and I.

MARTHA:

For all of you who has spent the time to listen to us, I would love to give you guys a

MARTHA:

gift as well of my latest book, my super confident success formula.

MARTHA:

It will help you to achieve any goals that you want to achieve as long as you follow the

MARTHA:

steps that I've given in this book.

MARTHA:

So that give is to all of your listeners out there.

MARTHA:

And thank you for this time to connect with me.

MARTHA:

It has been such a pleasure talking to you and to your audience.

BRITTANY:

It's been amazing. Martha, thank you so much.

BRITTANY:

We are going to link the super confidence coach, link up in the show notes and hold on

BRITTANY:

to your hats, ladies, because the super cool super tongue twister let's try again.

BRITTANY:

Super confidence success formula book is all yours as a thank you for still listening.

BRITTANY:

So thank you so much, Martha.

BRITTANY:

It has been an absolute pleasure.

BRITTANY:

Thank you. Hey there, Britney, here, I wanted to let you know about a special online

BRITTANY:

mini training that I'm offering for free for a limited time.

BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

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BRITTANY:

I hope this episode got your wheels turning and showed you just how powerful you are.

BRITTANY:

I would invite you to take 30 seconds and tap subscribe to this podcast, when you

BRITTANY:

subscribe to the podcast, then rest assured you will never miss an episode and in no

BRITTANY:

time, spinning your wheels will be a thing of the past.

BRITTANY:

Thank you for listening and subscribing.

BRITTANY:

And if you enjoyed this episode, it would mean the absolute world to me if after you

BRITTANY:

subscribed, you jumped on over and left me a five star review and better yet a written

BRITTANY:

review. I am on a mission to let every mom and step mom know that you can create the

BRITTANY:

life of your dreams.

BRITTANY:

And I need your help to change the world.

BRITTANY:

The world needs us.

BRITTANY:

Thank you so much for subscribing and leaving me a five star review.